Monday, May 3, 2010

"Life is such...

and getting sucher." 
Mom said that was something my grandmother, Florence Mildred Rice Tyler used to say.
Grannyma was always cheerful, but didn't have it easy.
That's another story.
Maybe she meant, Life sucks, and is getting suckier.
But they didn't use the word "suck" in that way back then.
She just's hard. And maybe getting harder.
I don't know.

Today when I visited mom, taking care of bills and other incidentals, I sat down on the couch to visit with her like I always do when the chores are done.
She seemed out of sorts. She asked me if I had heard from Jim, her favorite nephew. She is concerned that she didn't hear from him for her birthday.
When I pursued it with her she said she was confused, that she "didn't know what was going on,..."
She said she didn't know how to do the things I knew how to do, like Facebook!
I reminded her that most of the people on Facebook are 25.
Then she just said she had a hard time keeping her spirits up. 
"It's just hard," she said.
I said it was hard keeping my spirits up and I'm not 101.
She laughed at that, and then wanted to know why.
I told her that I wasn't being as productive as I would like and she told me I diminish my talents.
I forget sometimes how caring she really is.
It's not all narcissism, and if she knew I felt the way I do sometimes, it would break her heart in two.
I told her it was hard to watch her struggle, to know she didn't want to be here.
She said, "If it wasn't for you, I'd give up," and patted my leg.
But then she said, "I don't know how I'd give up. I wouldn't commit suicide, but sometimes I feel like."
And that breaks my heart.

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